


needed to

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-02-21
Updated: 2008-07-10
Packaged: 2018-12-27 12:15:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12080880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Justin, Molly and Daphne moved to NY 4 years ago after Jennifer commited suicide. They are now moving back to Pittsburgh after Justin did something bad. Very Bad. ( A/n: Please hang in there it starts out kinda dark but it does get better)





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

  
Author's notes: I swear it does get better as you go  


* * *

Justin, Daphne and Molly move to Pittsburgh from NY City. Molly is fifteen years old being raised by Daphne (25) and her recovering sex-addict brother, Justin (24).  
  
A/n: Starts off a little dark, but it gets better I promise.  
  
Prologue (2 years ago)   
  
Justin had done a bad thing. A very bad thing.   
  
He knew it. She knew it.   
  
And still she loved him.   
  
He could hear her voice from somewhere in his clouded brain.   
  
“ Its ok…ok…I’m ok… You didn’t hurt me… Its not your fault….”  
  
So far away.   
  
She was so far away.   
  
How’d she get so far away?  
  
Too scared.   
  
Maybe he was far away.  
  
He’d been far away for along time now.  
  
2 years.  
  
Little stuff at first.  
  
Now here it was.  
  
Big stuff now.  
  
He’d done it her.  
  
Now far away, just very far away.  
  
Flashes sex smell not the right smell but a smell needed to cum needed to feel how’d he get here bright on dark skin breathe on breath breath to breathe needed to cum lick and touch didn’t want to needed to never hurt her either of them his girls loved them so much scared very scared thought you wanted it said you wanted it done it before what’s wrong now don’t you still want it want it don’t please don’t please no non o but yes need to cum need to cum not the right smell wrong smell not the right feel need to cum so scared both what did he do how could he do now she’s here too other one seeing him so far away he needed to cum and he came all over he needed to run to escape all over hurt blood -  
  
Blood.   
  
There had been blood.  
  
Blood on her face and neck.  
  
Blood on his back from scratches.  
  
She said no.  
  
He wanted to stop.  
  
Sister was there and saw the aftermath.  
  
Lips.  
  
Dry.  
  
Her.  
  
Dry.  
  
Him.  
  
Wet.  
  
Blood.  
  
He just needed to cum.  
  
Little things.  
  
Big things.   
  
Needed to -  
  
“ I think I need help.”  



	2. Chapter 2

  
  
Chapter 1: A Little Weird If You Were Straight   
  
Part 1: After All He Did  
  
After all he did to her…  
  
How could she still be here… Look at him.. Talk to him.. Touch him… Kiss him….  
  
He did this evil thing to her and she still loved him…  
  
They both did…  
  
After everything.. Still there…  
  
They should of left him. He would of.  
  
“ Stop it,” Daphne looked over at him, a smile on her lips. “ I know I’m a great fuck Justin, but stop thinking about it cause its never going to happen again. “  
  
Somehow she remained the same, through all of it, she remained his constant friend and advisor. The only thing that had changed about her was that she was just a bit more jumpy about little things, like the name Julia. And she couldn’t watch Pretty Woman anymore, because that was the movie she had on in the background while he was…  
  
The scene in the store on Rodeo Dr. She still got a sick dizzy look in her eye at the mention of the movie or the actress or the Dr.   
  
Molly giggled at Daphne’s dark sense of humor. But her words rang true. Two years of celibacy and intense therapy made sure that they would never have a repeat of the last time. Justin had made sure of that by caring with him at all times a large dose of vicatin , enough to knock out a large animal, would be enough to do the regretful blonde in if … the need ever rose again.  
  
In the back seat of their black jeep molly sat curled up against their cat and book.   
  
Books. Molly didn’t use to like books, but after what happened, well all she seemed to do was read and keep herself out of trouble. That seems like a fairly reasonable thing to just about anyone. But Justin loved trouble, as did Molly.   
  
Their mother had often scolded them for being such pains in the asses but more often then not she’d get a small satisfied smile out of their antics then a migraine. She had loved the fact that her two children were intelligent enough to only do what they could get away with. She reveled in their careful selection of ‘victims’, only those who deserved what they got. Still, sometimes she had wondered what had caused the two to become such subversive members of society.   
  
They had never liked head on conflict, preferring o take someone down from the inside out. However, they were certainly not against direct conflict. Justin had been known for his quickness to fight when others who couldn’t were in need. Molly had a bit of a vindictive streak in her that caused others to panic when she wasn’t handled just right.  
  
One of their mother’s favorite memories was of when Molly was 8 and Justin was 17. They’d gone to Florida to visit their conservative WASP grandparents for spring break and had begged their mother to let their good black friend Daphne join them. Somehow, despite knowing her dead husband’s family history, she’d been talked into it.  
  
When their cousin Nathan had remarked about Justin’s ‘ coon girlfriend’ it took six other males to restrain him and a quite ‘ don’t’ from Molly and Daphne to get him to stop. Nathan had ended up spending the 9 days staying as far away from Justin’s smile and watching eyes.   
  
Their mother had taken them aside and begged them not to do anything rash against the other Taylor’s for their ignorance. But she’d smiled at them both and called them by their special names, secretly pleased that her children had taken on her Yankee spirit.   
  
At the clubhouse, two days before they left, they’d been forced to attend dull outdoor barbeque. Molly’s least favorite cousin had turned to their grandpa Taylor and commented that the club had never let a nigger in before why’d start now? Unfortunately for him, he’d been carrying a leaking gasoline can that had dripped all over his golf pants later on that day , and when he lit his cigar toward the end of the evening he set himself on fire.   
  
NO one could really lay the blame on anyone for that unfortunate accident that had left their dear Taylor cousin superficially burned, he’d after all been pushed into the pool before a decent flame could start up, but Justin and Daphne had turned to see a small smug smile on Molly’s face. And when their mother had gotten over the initial shock of seeing such a satisfied Cheshire grin , she’d walked up behind her wrapped her in her arms and said into her hair:   
  
“ My little Horror,” then she glanced over to her Sunshine and smiled.   
  
Her Miracle Boy smiled back a grin that could make angels fall weak at the knees, exchanging a look with first his mother and then his friend whose mere presence had caused such a commotion.   
  
That had been seven years ago. Now it was four years after the death of Jennifer Ann Taylor in Pittsburgh after her suicide.   
  
She had not been a happy woman. For years she’d been quite and uncontent with her life, she tired to find some happiness in the deviant acts of her children, acts of fool hearted bravery that she could never commit, and for awhile that had sated her. She’d been ecstatic when her controversial son had found a black girlfriend and even more so when she could announce to all that he was in fact gay.  
  
Her children did and said all the things she was raised never to do or say and that made her so happy, but it could only last so long before every rebellious act would only dull her worthlessness a little. And her children had always been independent , practically since birth, they didn’t need her. Maybe she had been right in that they didn’t need her but they had loved her.   
  
So they’d packed their shit and left to NY, Daphne coming with them, refusing to let her 20 year old best friend do it all alone. That had been her first mistake in Justin’s mind.  
  
He started getting depressed and to balance this depression he started going out and when he stared going out he started to get picked up… a lot.   
  
At first it had been fine, they al had their little things to deal with the pain of losing a mother and good friend. Then they were robbed, six times by guys Justin had brought home. Then he was never home, and when he was he was preparing himself for a night on the prowl.   
  
Daphne and Molly begged him to stop. He never saw a reason to do so. It wasn’t like he was on drugs or anything he just liked to get laid. He was a man after all, and a gay one at that.  
  
“ What the fuck? Why should I stop? Who am I hurting?”  
  
“ Us!” A 12 year old Molly, who had been acting out more then ever and not just against those who deserved it.   
  
Then I it happened…  
  
Now she just read books and stayed out of trouble.   
  
“ I’ll be a good girl now.”  
  
“ Don’t”  
  
“ It’ll just make things easier if I am Justin. “  
  
She didn’t live up to the nickname Horror any more, or Hor , as he often like to tease her against her pleas of :   
  
“ I’m not whore! You’re the whore!”  
  
“ I can’t be a whore! I don’t get paid to get laid, I do it cause I love it not for the money.”  
  
Roll of his eyes and a hiss from her lips.   
  
“ Its just cause your gay.”  
  
Daphne would laugh so hard and fall out of whatever chair she was sitting on at the time.   
  
Now, Molly read as they pulled into downtown Pittsburgh toward Liberty Ave. to pick up their old friends Debbie Nyvotney and Lindsey Peterson who had found them an old town house just a few blocks away and had collected funds from the GLC to pay for the first three moths of rent.   
  
“ Well, “ Lindsey had spread he arms towards the living area. “ It could use a little fixing up but all in all I think its suitable.”   
  
“ Fan-fucking-tastic deal your getting here Sunshine.!”   
  
“ Thanks Deb.”  
  
Molly and Justin’s mother had been one of Deb’s PFLAG moms. To be honest Deb had never met anyone, besides herself who’d taken so completely to having a gay son. She’d been extremely sad at her passing, and her heart had got even heavier when she attended the funeral with Mikey and Lindsey to find that apart from Justin, Molly, and Daphne and themselves no one had bothered to show up.   
  
Now, they swooped through the house till they got to the attic steps leading to Lindsey’s personal project that she had gotten a good friend ( one Brian Kinney ) to finance. She placed her hands over Justin’s eyes and led him into his newly furnished studio, complete with paints, easel, just about anything that an artist could ever want.   
  
And if Justin could still get hard, he would’ve at that exact moment.   
  
“ What do you think!?” Lindsey asked with a proud smile on her face. Pleased at her efforts to create the space.  
  
Justin’s throat had gone dry. I t wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate her gesture it was just that he completely hated painting now. Every time he picked up a sketchbook or a brush to canvas, there would sprout dissected male limbs, all modeled after his own member, tortured and carved into by a knife.  
  
“ Its great.”  
  
Lindsey and Deb didn’t stay too long after that leaving them to get unpacked and settled into their new home. Once they were gone Daphne marched up to the fridge with the lone ‘Home Sweet Home’ magnet a sheet of paper and a pen.  
  
“ We are not going to let this,” she said as she wrote things down. “ Get to us, because we are stronger.”  
  
When she stepped back to admire her handy work there was a to do list of sorts.  
  
Watch Pretty Woman  
Cause a scene  
Get Laid and Get working.   
Be happy again  
  
With that done Justin smiled, “ I don’t think I’ll be getting laid anytime soon. “  
  
“ Please don’t say that. Your such an asshole when your not getting any, “ a small remain of Horror barked at him.   
  
It brought so much of a smile to see already a little of the old Molly sparkling through that he went around the kitchen and hugged her to him. “ I’ll try too.”   
  
“ Good, you, we can’t let this control our lives forever, right Daph?”  
  
“ Yeah. Besides Justin, your male, your gay, you were, key word were a sex addict… It would be a little weird if you were straight and one.”  
  
He laughed at that, he laughed even harder as Daphne tore off a sheet of paper with a grocery list.   
  
“ Now go be a good housewife and get some groceries we’ll start unpacking here.”  
  
After all he did, their main concerns were, according to the list:  
  
Tampons  
Birth Control   
Condoms  
Milk  
Gum  
  
“ Lets order Thai tonight,” he could hear Molly say as he closed the door behind him and decided to walk the three blocks over to Liberty Ave. and the store that was truly gods gift to lazy man, Walgreen’s.  
  
Part Two: It Been Awhile Old Friend  
  
His first though had been : Its been awhile old friend. That is until he heard himself blathering on to the man he’d just ran into .   
  
“ these ahh, aren’t mine…”  
  
“ So there what your wife’s?”  
  
“ N-No, I’m uhh not married…. I’m uh gay.”  
  
Great, just great. The first thing Justin after two years celibacy ( which included a no jacking off policy) needed. He was standing there with literally his first hard on in two years, that had come about instantaneously as he ran into the most beautiful man he’d ever seen, with a pack of Tampax pearl in his hand left hand.   
He blinked at his own confession of homosexuality and let out a low fuck as he realized he was in the condom aisle. He couldn’t get a break could he? Just a little one?  
  
No.  
  
The man smiled down at him, laughing at just how sexy the blonde boy looked when he blushed. He raised an eyebrow as the blonde shifted uncomfortably under his gaze and maneuvered himself around him to pick up a particular brand of condoms. As he bent down Brian Kinney got a good look at the boy’s ass and noticed the sizeable bulge in his pants. Brian glanced down at his own crotch who peeked out eagerly as always. He gave a silent ‘ hello’ to his cock.  
  
No. Justin could definitely not get a break. As Brian took advantage of the raised ass and made a move to brush past the boy in the narrow aisle by placing his hard cock in the boys hollow.   
  
Justin’s head sprang up at the contact, he found himself being steadied by the gorgeous man’s arms. He could feel his breath on his ear as the man seductively whispered.  
  
“ it’s a good thing your gay, it’d be a little weird if you were straight with an ass like that. “ Brian allowed one of his arms to drop slightly giving his hand a chance to explore the curve of the boy’s perfection.   
  
“ I, ah have to go.”   
  
Justin made a move to get out of Brian’s arms, but Brian reached out for his hand and brought him back to him. “ What’s the rush? We haven’t been properly introduced, I’m Brian.”  
  
“ Justin.”  
  
“ Justin. Your coming home with me.”  
  
Part Three: Its Been A real Long While  
  
Brian had never believed in a heaven until his cock had slipped into Justin’s mouth on the ride to his loft. He’d never given much thought to Nirvana either, until Justin’s tongue grazed the top of his head, licking his slit. He’d never cared about those sorts of things until the moment, Justin had guided his mouth up and down brain’s long thick shaft, flicking the skin with his wet-  
  
“ Ahh-”  
  
Not done yet. That was hell every time Justin would look up at him and kiss his neck, his chin, his ear, not giving him release, or worse yet , not letting Brian’s mouth capture that marvelous wet tongue in his own . He was doing it on purpose, of that Brian was sure when he saw the savage look in Justin’s eye., every time he brought his head up and met his gaze.  
  
“ Ahh, Jesus,” Bran had never said the name with much reverence, but with the way Justin had licked his balls and nuzzled his face in Brian’s pubes, he couldn’t help but thank the mythical man for crating such-  
  
“ God-” a low guttural noise escaped him in the elevator when at last Justin had cease to tease him and let him come. Any other words that may have passed Brian’s lips were pushed back as he felt something being pushed down his throat by Justin’s tongue. It was him, and part of him registered that but most of him was concentrating on the fact that at last Justin had stopped teasing him and had kissed him.   
  
Heaven was 10,000 hells compared to that. The kiss was so intoxicating and hard that Brian couldn’t remember opening the loft door or how their clothes had seemed to melt off from the heat their bodies were generating. But he could remember the rip of the condom package as the kid slide it on with his mouth. He could remember the murmur of “ No time,” escaping those devious lips as he looked for lube and instead found himself watching Justin fucking himself on three fingers.   
  
Brian practically ripped those fingers off getting them out of there, growling a “mine” to no one in particular as he slammed his cock into that warmth-  
  
Justin began making a noise as Brian lifted his legs to his shoulders, he could feel the blonde’s erection against his stomach as he leaned down and swallowed the noise that was making him impossibly harder then he’d been for. That warmth and that noise echoed throughout his body as he reached for Justin’s hand digging into the mattress.  
  
Justin let out a painful scream, binging Brian back from the brink he stopped. He didn’t want to hurt him. Justin’s blue eyes were closed as he muttered an apology: “ Its been a real long while.”  
  
“ How long?”  
  
“ Two years”  
  
Brain slowed down, laced his fingers in Justin ‘s and began a slower soothing pace. Justin’s breathing slowed but the noises didn’t stop. Instead they were longer and more drawn out and once again Brian felt himself getting close. The warmth held him tighter and with out even touching his dick Justin came all over them with a low, long sigh of relief that had Brian filling the condom seconds later as he leaned down to lap up Justin’s cum from his chest and torso.  
  
Brian pulled out slowly, and dropped down next to the blonde, who seemed asleep. Without thinking Brian kissed Justin’s shoulder waking him from his comatose state. Blue eyes looked over at him. Justin was instantly hard again, but Brian hadn’t noticed yet.  
  
“ I should go.”  
  
Brian frowned, he went with his instinct and pulled himself up on top of Justin without much effort. He now felt the blonde against him and smirked down at his captured meal, “ Don’t you want me to take care of this?” he nuzzled his chin against Justin’s hair as his hand cupped the erection between him.   
  
“ I really should go-”  
  
“ Justin. Your staying here tonight. “


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 2: The Morning After ( and technically the day after that)  
  
( the night before)   
  
Blank blank blank breath to breathe breathe to breath beneath on top dark good want to cum hold on longer want to cum so bad so good there again again again just one more and again tired exhausted not ready to stop old man get up get up please get up go again rough love it rough hard then soft soft then hard and slow slow is good fast is better slow is better fast is good ah there and there mouth and lips lips  
Wet  
Want.  
To  
Cum  
Sleep a little sleep won’t hurt not too late late enough sleep sleep here sticky wet and sweet with sweat  
  
Part 1: Never Forget  
  
Brian Kinney, no doubt, had a reputation that all were aware of, except for Justin.  
  
Justin who Brian could smell on his sheets, he could tell he was near but not in bed with him. Brian could smell Brian on Justin. It was a good smell. A smell he really liked, if he could bottle that smell as an ad exec, he was certain it would make millions. If no one else bought it Brian would buy it spending his way into debt for a worthy cause.   
  
It hit him then. He’d let Justin spend the night in his bed. In his bed and the next morning he could honestly say he wanted more. Never having been one to deny himself. He opened his eyes and saw Justin shirt on, pants in hand searching for his underwear among Brian’s sheets, muttering softly to himself.  
  
Brian moved to his side enjoying his view as the preoccupied Justin cursed himself for losing underwear after two odd years, this statement confused Brian but he figure it didn’t matter right now he just wanted to fuck the blonde who’d been there since 8 last night till, he glanced at his digital clock, 1:23 the next afternoon. Brian silently thanked the gods he cursed yesterday when he ran out of condoms and had to travel to the Walgreen’s on Liberty to buy some.   
  
He made a mental note that he’d have to go again. He was once again running low.  
  
Justin turned and nearly Jumped out of his skin as he put his pants on sans underwear, having given up the search for them, to see Brian smirking and subconsciously rubbing himself under the covers. Justin silently hoped he cold keep his instant wood from being noticed.   
  
“ I got to go!” he ran as fast as he could to the loft door which was locked and the security system began making angry beeping noises at him.   
  
Brian frowned at the abruptness and diminishment of his plan to fuck Justin once again. For a split second he thought about keeping the young man locked in with him for another night. After all where did he have to be on a Saturday afternoon? When Brian grasped the fact that he seriously thought he should in fact do just that, he got up from his bed and walked over to Justin.   
  
Justin leaned against the frame of the door looking straight at it. Willing it to open, as Brian purposefully leaned into him to reach around and turn the alarm off, unlocking the automatic doors and opening them for Justin. Justin refused to look at Brian as he picked up his Walgreen’s bag and murmured a “ Thanks,” before heading straight for the stairs, unwilling to wait for the elevator that might give him a chance to change his mind and stay.  
  
The second he walked into the town house with the crushed package of Tampax, spoiled milk, and empty pack of condoms Justin knew he was fucked, because there by the door was Daphne and Molly. Without even taking in his appearance or asking if something terrible had happened, they jumped at him.  
  
“ You got fucked.”  
  
“ What’s with the third degree!? Ok I said I went for a walk!”  
  
The two girls looked at each other and smiled wickedly.   
  
“ How was it?’ Molly asked. “ Your walk I mean?”  
  
“ Ok! Goddamnit fine,” Justin threw the bag to the floor. “ I had sex ok! For the first time in two years I got FUCKED! I mean really FUCKED! Like out of this world mind blowing ‘I can see the fucking light’ gay sex!”   
  
“ So , it was a relaxing walk, then?” Daphne gave him a broad smile.   
  
“ I hate you.”  
  
“ Of course you do,” she leaned in and gave him a quick peck on the cheek, before rummaging through the bag for tampons.   
  
“ hey!” Molly cried disappointed. “ You used all my condoms.”  
  
“ Your 15 you don’t need them.”  
  
“ You were 14.”  
  
“ That was to Daphne, that doesn’t count.”  
  
“ Right… Did last time count?” Molly through out the bait , she hoped he would take it.  
  
The three had made such dark jests at the death of Jennifer and while Daphne and Molly began joking about the incident a year after it happened, Justin still hadn’t made the transition into it yet, when he’d been the first on e to compare their mother to Sylvia Plait “ At least she made her kids dinner before offing herself.”  
  
Justin stood stock still. He couldn’t possibly do this now, after all he’d just broken his two years of celibacy over some hot guy. And there were a million hot guys in the world he hadn’t fucked or been fucked by yet. No there was no way he was ready to-  
  
But the words were out of his mouth before he could stop them.  
  
“ NO,” the silence that followed was filled with wide eyes and barely kept in smiles. Justin shook his head lose of any thought of rape, especially since his mind was still trying to remember all of last night. “ I’m going to the studio.”   
  
Molly and Daphne turned to each other with the biggest grins either had ever seen .   
  
“ His going to the studio.”  
  
“ I heard.”  
  
“ In broad daylight.”  
  
“ I know.”  
  
“ You think his getting over it?”  
  
“ I hope he never gets over it, Molly… I hope it stays with him for ever that he hurt me, and you. That he always remembers so that he’ll never hurt anyone again.” Daphne though serious kept a tight smile on her face looking at Molly he nodded her head in understanding. She kissed her friends forehead.  
  
“ I wonder if he just said that so he wouldn’t have to help unpack?”  
  
“ Probably. But his paintings pay most of our bills so we’ll just have to get over it.”  
  
“ Great now he has depressing music on,” Daphne finished as she heard the acoustic guitars form overhead.  
  
“ I never thought it was a depressing song,” Molly remarked when she recognized the tune. “ More contemplative.”  
  
“ The two of you are so white.”  
  
“You’re an Oreo.”  
  
SMACK!  
  
“ I deserved that.”  
  
“ Yes. Yes you did.”  
  
I’m in love with the world  
Through the eyes of a girl (boy)   
Whose still around the morning after…  
  
The afternoon following the fucking of Justin Brian returned Michael’s late calls of whine to eat a very late lunch with his friends at the Liberty Diner. Brian could honestly say he had the best sleep in years. He could also say , at least to himself, that he was still completely exhausted form last night.   
  
His friends on the other hand would note amongst themselves that Brain looked damn good. Well, Brian always looked good, it seemed he was incapable of not not looking good. But as he walked through the door of the diner there was a lightness to his steps and a real smile on his face. They would further note that Brian had sat down at their booth, sliding in next to Emmett who sat across from Ted and Michael, without insulting anybody and instead offered up a “ G’ morning.”  
  
  
Now that was weird especially considering that last night had been a Friday night and none of them had seen him at Babylon last night. Brian had a stressful week at Vanguard with their new client Stockwell, of that he’d been adamant about all week long. So the boys had been surprised when he didn’t show up at all and even more surprised when he didn’t answer a single call, well not that surprised, at least Michael’s.  
  
“ Where were you last night?” Michael demanded to know.  
  
“ Something came up,” Brian responded to Deb he continued with, “ I’ll have the peperjack steak sandwhich with fries and a strawberry shake.”  
  
“ Who are you and what have you done to Brian?!” Deb panicked. Since when did Brian order food with that many calories.  
  
“ Same Brian. I swear.”  
  
“ But what about your strict no fat diet that you’ve been on for what 20 years?!” Emmett threw in.   
  
“ I can afford to indulge.” Normally at this point Brian would’ve been annoyed by their questioning, instead he was partially to exhausted and to content with life to do anything but smile.  
  
“ Are you sure?’  
  
“ Yes. Please.”  
  
The silence that filled the table when Deb left with his order did not phase Brian. He simply sat there with a smile on his face. Michael, Ted, and Emmett exchanged confused looks with each other. Yes, they wanted to know what had brought out this good mood but were for the most part terrified to ask in case it was followed by a swift kick in the ass. Michael and Emmett implored Ted to do it with their eyes. Brian didn’t really like him anyways so he had the least to lose.  
  
“ Bri? Umm what exactly came up last night?”  
  
“ I had to pick up condoms at Walgreen’s and then I picked up a lot more.” Brian raised his eyebrows. His good mood still in place he gently teased, “ If any of you pathetic wanna bees get the chance to pick up a blonde twink with an ass of perfection , I suggest you do it.” He frowned slightly to himself, the thought of anyone’s smell on Justin did not sit well, but he quickly pushed it off thinking there was no way Justin would ever go for his three friends.  
  
“ Oh thank god!” Michael grasped at his heart. Brian had just had a really good lay, he thought for a split second it might be more. But no, this merely confirmed it was the same Brian they all knew and sort of loved. Ok, well Michael just plain loved him.  
  
“ That good huh?”  
  
“ An ass to die for.”  
  
Deb placed the extremely fattening order down in front and stood back tentively waiting for Brian to dismiss the meal. He didn’t. No with a smile on his face Brian enjoyed the meal in front of him, listening as his fiends went on about whatever else was going on in their lives that did not interest Brian.   
  
That is until Linds and Mel popped over with Gus. Gus immediately squirmed in his mother’s arms reaching for his father. The three year old rarely saw him except at Sunday dinners and was eager to spend anytime he could with his father. Mel motioned for Deb to come over as Linds launched into what she considered to be exciting news.  
  
“ Guys, as you know , Deb and I have a few old friends who’ve moved back into town-”  
  
“ I don’t know.”  
  
“ Of course you did brain, you gave me the money to fix up his studio.”  
  
“ I gave you money to fix up some old queer’s finger paints?”  
  
“ His not an old queer, Brian! His a very talented artist whose had a tough couple of years and his getting back into the swing of things.”  
  
“ Yeah, Brian! Sunshine’s a good kid, taking care of his baby sister after their mother died. That boy has done the best he could and he needs some fucking support now. Any of you would be so lucky if you had an once of his strength1!”  
  
“ The kid’s got heart Kinney, something you’ve never had.”  
  
Brian shook his head and continued smiling down at his son who was currently making faces at him. Mel discouraged by Brian’s lack of fight leaned over and whispered into Deb’s ear : “ What with him?”  
  
“ Apparently had a very good night.”  
  
“ Oh. Ok.”  
  
“ So we were hoping that instead of doing Sunday dinner tomorrow you’d all come with us to help fix up their place. You know move in some second hand furniture paint a few walls. Help out a really talented guy-”  
  
“ His a painter? Ma, is he the one whose mom-”  
  
“ Yea, baby that’s him.”  
  
“ I’ll be there,” Michael recalled his mother’s cries over Jennifer’s death and he remembered even more so afterwards when barely anyone besides her children showed. “ What time?”  
  
“ What time is best?” Linds asked.  
  
“ I can be there whenever.”  
  
“ Do you mind coming early? Say 8?” Mel asked. “ We wanted to make them breakfast and stuff.”  
  
“ Yeah. Definitely. I’ll get Ben and Hunter to come too.”  
  
“ How exactly are you going to get the little hustler that could to do something like that?”  
  
“ Easy Brian you’ll be there.”  
  
“ Says who?”  
  
“ Brian. Please.”  
  
The plea in Michael’s voice was evident. It was sincere one, so what ever the painter must of gone trough was big then. “ Ok, Mikey I’ll go.”  
  
“ Thanks.”  
  
“ I’ll be there too.”  
  
“ Yeah, I’m in.”  
  
It's always been wait and see  
A happy day and then you pay  
And feel like shit the morning after  
  
  
Part Two: Release   
  
… day night up all night early morning did it wrong did it wrong again and again got hard again shouldn’t of done that Justin bad boy bad boys do bad things shouldn’t do such bad things Justin in town a day and you fucked up fucked up big big and long and thick he was big and long and thick and good so good his here now not here on canvas and paint browns and yellows and greens instead of reds so many reds your sick of reds you were getting better….  
Better.  
Not getting better.   
Are Better.  
Slipped and fell is all.  
Better now.  
Better.  
  
Situations get fucked up   
and turned around sooner or later  
  
Justin had been up there in the studio for a long time. He was sure it was Sunday and the same song had been playing over and over. It reminded him just how much he messed up though, so he didn’t really mind it too much. He could live with it on repeat for a little while longer.   
  
The more he looked at the painting in front of him the more upset he got. He was suppose to be paying for what he did , not having amazing sex with some guy named Brandon! And that Brandon was looking at him from his painting, eyes radiating a calming sex that Justin had never seen or experience until Friday night. Steeping back from the painting, though, as much as it filled him with dread, it was the best work he’d done in two years.  
  
It was a beautiful background of earth tones swirling around the body of a beautiful naked man, his face could not be seen as it lay in the crook of his arm, not in pain, but in soothing sleep. Justin sat in front of the painting cross legged on the floor and tried his best to come to terms with the fact that he was indeed getting better.  
  
  
After all, if he had wanted to, really he could of stayed longer, well he had wanted to… But he didn’t he stayed under control, and left. He had gotten hard, gotten off and left without losing it and going on a binge. The binges scared him the most, he’d be gone for days and not know where he was or who he was he just knew he needed to cum. Last night, he didn’t need to cum, he wanted to. With this in mind Justin wondered if it was time to just let It go or let what had happened rule his life forever.  
  
And I could be another fool or   
an exception to the rule  
You tell me the morning after  
  
Part Three: Sick  
  
Brian had been told to show at 8 he came in at about 9:47 and ignored the blatant sighs of annoyance from the others as he examined the two front rooms of the town house. It wasn’t the most luxurious setting but it was livable. However to Brian it was   
  
“ A shit hole. Believe me we know,” a young black girl smiled at him as she came in through the front door with Emmett, a short blonde girl, and Hunter. She continued talking, “ Before things went bad, for awhile we had all this money and people kept wanting to buy his paintings, when he got…” she trailed off and frowned.  
  
“ When he got sick,” the blonde girl continued. “ At least that’s what he call it. He couldn’t paint , he didn’t really have the time or energy to. It didn’t help much either when he started getting better. He could paint again but not like he use .”  
  
“ He was still considered brilliant of course so he sold, but its all so dark now.”  
  
Lindsey turned from the wall she had been painting with Mel. “ Yes, I wondered what happened? Even after his mother’s death his paintings were still a calling card for hope, at least for awhile.”  
  
Daphne looked to Brian as if asking him for answer, frowned shook her head and put a tight polite smile on her mocha skin. “ He got sick.”  
  
Molly cackled at Daphne’s lack of explanation. They all began to pick up where they left off, dragging in pieces of furniture and cleaning the rooms. Ted had saw it fit to buy them a set of cooking pans and silverware, which Daph was eternally grateful for considering they’d been living on takeout for the past four years or so. Vic had took some money out of his savings and stocked up on their groceries for them, much to Molly’s protests. Deb had brought over home cooked meals that would last them a year and stuffed it into the freezer for keeping.  
  
Emmett had brought a bag of weed and a bottle of vodka joking “ You know how those artists are with their drugs and their alcohol!” but he was silenced as Molly and Daph put the biggest grins on their face. Molly had screamed a “ Thanks!” as she raced up the stairs to the attic and her brother’s studio, she knocked twice and a long thin arm splattered with paint snaked out and pulled it back into the confines of the room.  
  
The afternoon went on with Brian and Ben acting as handymen fixing clogged sinks, electric wires, and broken stair rails. Mel and Lindsey painted rooms, Deb and Vic fussed about cleaning every square inch of the kitchen, Molly and Hunter worked outside raking the leaves and cleaning junk the previous owners had left in the store room out. Ted and Emmett argued over where to place and how to decorate second hand furniture, Daphne overseeing things and constantly running up the stairs to where some god awful music was emitting.   
  
At lunch she place food in front of the door and knocked three times, but no long skinny paint splattered arm snaked out for the food. She stood there a few minutes under the gaze of Ben and Brian who’d been fixing the stair rail at the time.  
  
“ You have to eat.”  
  
No one answered.   
  
She’d sighed and picked up the plate containing light snack foods because as she explained to Deb, “ Miracle Boy can’t eat to much when his painting or he’ll start throwing up, but he has to eat or he’ll vomit.”  
  
The second time Molly went up with an apple she came back with an apple core and a request for more weed. Every one turned to Brian expectantly, he went out to his ‘ vette and brought in a dime bag that he gave to Molly, who lit up a smile and practically tackled him.  
  
“ Why is she so happy that his smoking weed?” Hunter asked Daphne.  
  
“ When Miracle was sick, he wouldn’t smoke, drink or anything like that. He use to do it all the time when he was painting, and after he got better he just never took up the habit again,” she turned to Brian, “ was that dro * ?”  
  
“ Yeah.” he answered glumly.  
  
“ Your not as much of an asshole as they said.”  
  
“ Gee. Thanks.”  
  
“ welcome.”  
  
At 4:52 they were pretty much done and everything was being put in its place. Deb and Vic began preparing dinner and a knock at the door signified a special delivery. A really special delivery that had Molly biting her lip as the UPS guy dragged in a heavy crate, complaining under his breath about ‘ Sunday deliveries.   
  
“ What should we do with it?” Molly asked Daphne.  
  
“ I don’t know what he wants to do with it.”  
  
“ What is it?” Michael and Deb asked at the same time.  
  
“ There paintings from a show he did, just after he got well again. He didn’t show them actually decided against it-”  
  
“ The Usher showing?” Lindsey interrupted.   
  
“ Yes. These are bit more graphic then the others though.”  
  
Lindsey got a little excited at that the idea of never before seen J. Taylor’s from the Usher show that had created such a splash in the art world made her feel like a kid at Christmas. “ Can we see them?”  
  
Molly had sat down on the staircase by the front door and hugged her knees to herself, she shook a little. She personally would be happy to never see those again. Daph went over to her and put her arms around her shoulders. She whispered something in Molly’s ear then turned to Lindsey, “ I warn you.”  
  
Lindsey grabbed a crowbar from the tool box and began unpacking the crate. The first painting she pulled out was of a woman in a bathtub filled with blood. Deb made a little noise, she couldn’t see the face but she recognized the rings on the right hand marking the woman as -  
  
“ Our mother. That’s how we found her.”  
  
The other’s had gathered to see the paintings and Em reached for Ted’s hand “ Oh Teddy.”  
  
“ It only gets worse.”  
  
The next one was of Molly, they could all tell it was Molly because the position she was painted in was the exact one she was in now. Her blue eyes were wide with anguish and tears were forming at the corners. She looked smaller then she was, and very far away, like she was watching something awful happen. Her background like her mother’s was done in furious red with pieces of canvas peeking through.   
  
A shiver passed through the room, as Lindsey unpacked the 3rd painting. It was Daphne. Same background same violent strokes. Her head was thrown back and her shirt was ripped a hand, long, pointed blue-white fingers scratched at her face. It was obvious to all what was happening.  
  
The 4th and final painting had both Vic and Ted exiting the room with out a look back. Brian felt bile rise to the back of his throat , he wanted nothing more then to join Vic and Ted in their adventures of vomiting. Hunter leaned against the wall for support, he felt his knees give under him. Mel, who had been quite the whole time let out a long low moan.  
  
“ I-I though you said he was a fag?” Hunter asked.  
  
“ Yeah, a fag with an aversion to dick,” quipped Brian.  
  
Crooked spin can't come to rest  
I'm damaged bad at best  
  
“ I guess no one’s hungry anymore,” Deb said quietly to no one in particular. The smell of her lasagna was making her gag.  
  
It was an impish disgusting thing. It had brass gold hair , a crooked smile, and blue-pale skin. Its blue-white fingers, artfully held its long erect , bleeding , leaking cock in one hand, in the other a knife. On its cock the imp had scratched in the letters: S. I.C. and what was obviously the beginnings of a K. The imp had cold dead blue irises so light that unless you looked close enough hey could not be seen. The background had no white canvas leaking through. No, all places not covered in red were covered in black or the sick sticky reddish-blue-white that looked like cum mixed with blood.   
  
  
She'll( he’ll) decide what she (he ) wants  
I'll probably be the last to know  
No one says until it shows and you see how it is  
  
“ Y’ wanna see it?” a very high, very drunk Justin asked with a twisted smile as he came down the stairs nearly empty bottle of vodka in hand. “ Y’ can see it in da righ’ light. Where I trie’ t’ cut it off. Daphy stoppe’ me.”   
  
Daphne got up with a smile at her drunk friend. “ Of course I stopped you. I have dibs on your sperm for my babies.”  
  
Justin laughed and hiccupped, swayed, Molly got up and put her older brother’s arm around her shoulder. He looked down at her seriousness in his eyes, “ Still luv me Hor?”  
  
“ Always and forever,” she giggled at her brother’s drunken antics. When he was sick she prayed he’d be drunk, if he was drunk he wouldn’t go out. Instead he’d pass out and lie there for hours under her watchful gaze.  
  
“ G’d. Cause, I’m a sic’ an’ hungry man. Smell food. Food is g’d.”  
  
“ Yes, Sunshine, food is very good,” she really was having a difficult time not falling into hysterics at Justin’s antics especially at the people who didn’t know him very well, had just seen the things he was so ashamed of , and now watching the two people he obviously hurt look at him so lovingly as they helped him down the stairs.  
  
“L’k! Its Brandon! Say ‘Hi’ to Brandon, little Horror.”  
  
“ Justin that’s Brian.”  
  
“ Oh… So his not the guy I fucked from Walgreen’s?”   
  
“ Walgreen’s?!:” Michael’s eyebrows went up, past his hair. He looked very cartoonish.   
  
“ Holy shit.”  
  
“ Oww!”   
  
“ How could you Brian?!”  
  
“ It was concential !!”  
  
They want you or they don't  
Say yes  
  
They followed them into the kitchen where Lindsey posed the question, “ Justin, Daphne said you were sick. What happened?”  
  
“ I was addicted.”  
  
Ted and Vic had returned to that statement the two of them looking greener as Daphne placed a large amount of lasagna in front of Justin.  
  
“ Addicted to what?”  
  
“ I’a recoverin’ sssex addict.”  
  
Ted made a feeble attempt at joke, “ Just like you Bri?”  
  
“ Really? I don’ think so… D’se it ever get int’ ya work?”  
  
“ No.”  
  
“ D’se it ever hurt?”  
  
“ No. “  
  
“ Ya ever rape yar best friend in front of your little sister?”  
  
Brian choked out a “ No.”  
  
“ T’en yar not a sssex addict… G’d lasagna… g’t mor weed?”  
  
I'm in love with the world  
through the eyes of a girl ( boy)   
whose still around the morning after...


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 3: React as you see fitting   
  
Part One: Yep.. Uh Huh ..   
  
“ Oh fuck.”  
  
“ Yep.”  
  
“ I said that?”  
  
“ Uh huh,” Molly did not look up from the book she was reading as Justin lay on the coach in the early light of Monday morning.  
  
“ Oh fuck.”  
  
“ Yep.”  
  
“ I really said that?”  
  
“ Uh huh.”  
  
“ How long are you going to do this? And aren’t you suppose to be in school?” Daphne walked in carrying an ice pack for Justin’s pounding headache, she indicated Molly’s present position on the brown loveseat.  
  
“ Yep.”  
  
“ Your first week of school and your already taking time off?”  
  
“ Uh Huh.”  
  
“ Horror,” Justin sighed heavily, “ go to school.”  
  
“ Nope.”  
  
“ So your just going to sit there all day and help lower your brother’s sense of self worth , because in his drunken stupidity he told the only people who could give us any sort of help that he is in fact a rapist?”   
  
“ Uh Huh.”  
  
“ Your pure evil , Hor.”  
  
“ Yep.”  
  
“ Well, I’m off to look for a job then,” Daphne said to n o one in particular as she gathered her purse and keys.  
  
“ You work?” Justin lifted his head off the couch in surprise and winced as the room spun around him, mocking him.   
  
“ Surprisingly enough I do. Your paintings don’t cover all of our expenses.”  
“ Did you work in New York?”  
  
“ Yes I did. You were just too busy getting your dick sucked or recovering from getting your dick sucked to notice.”  
  
“ Oh… Fuck.”  
  
“ Yes. Anyways, there’s ramen in the cabinets if you need to eat. Molly have fun.”  
  
“ Thanks, “ she replied as Daphne shut the door behind her.  
  
“ Did you know she worked?”  
  
“ Uh huh.”  
  
Justin twisted his head to look at his little sister, from behind her book Justin could just make out a secret smugness. “ Your enjoying this aren’t you?”  
  
“ Yep.”  
  
Part Two: Labeled / Reacting   
  
If anyone were to ask, Michael Nyvotney would have only one reply:   
  
“ I am a good person.”  
  
He may not have been brought up in the most conservative or even remotely normal household, but he had had good role models. Captain Astro the most obvious, but even so he had his dad. Maybe not his real dad, who was a drag queen, but the dad whose picture had been placed on the top of the mantel. That dad was brave, did the right thing, and always stayed true and loyal. ( Perhaps in retrospect his ‘fake’ dad was the same as his real one, it took a lot of courage to be an old drag queen.) And there was his uncle Vic who loved and supported him almost as much as his mother did… but not quite so obsessively.  
  
So, yes, if anyone were to stop Michael Nyvotney on the street and ask, he would indeed label himself as a good person.   
  
This is what he kept telling himself as he walked to the Pittsburgh City Police Department to file a report against Justin Taylor.  
  
He had seen how easy Molly and Daphne were with the pervert, but how could anyone forgive and forget so much? ( He never took into consideration that they did not forgive and forget, only forgave and remembered, everyday, even in a teasing manner.) But that’s what Justin Taylor was, a fucking pervert.   
  
After his confession Justin had rambled on about his addiction and the event that had led him to believe he needed help. He’d mesmerized all of them as he gleefully described trying to cut of his penis early on in his recovery, but he didn’t have the balls to do it !  
  
( “ Pun intended” he cackled.)  
  
Throughout this Daphne and Molly had exchanged slightly bemused smiles as they took turns rubbing his back and propping him up before he fell into the lasagna. The he began to heave having consumed too much heavy food on a stomach that only contained vodka and trace amounts of weed. The two, still smiling cleaned his face cleared off his plate and set him down on the couch where he passed out, murmuring his apologies about what a terrible host he was.  
  
( “ ..didn’ help at all… sorry… bad host… mom taught me better….”)  
  
After that ordeal, Ben gave Michael a look as he and Hunter left for the night. With that silent permission Michael took Brian to Woody’s were Brian got shit faced. Really shit faced over the fact that he’d fucked a rapist. Only Brian being the vain dramatic queen that he was, did not concentrate on that particular fact. No instead he chose to focus the supposed ‘healing’ conversation on other things.  
  
“ You could of gotten hurt!”   
  
“ Two fucking years Mikey… He went for two fucking years without so much as a stiffy-”  
  
“ Daphne should of let him cut it off if you ask me-”  
  
“ Two. Whole. Goddamn. Fucking. Years. His first wood in two years-”  
  
“ Yeah well that’s not your fault Brian.”  
  
With a look of smug satisfaction Brian continued, “ two years and I’m the first guy his gotten a stiffy for… Fuck, I must be hotter then I thought.”  
  
That had clenched it. Brian’s denial of the facts. He couldn’t let his friend go on like that, if Brian refused to face the fact that he had been in serious danger, then Michael would do it for him. So, as a good person, as a best friend, Michael had sent Hunter on his merry hustling way that morning, kissed Ben goodbye, and instead of immediately going to the shop… Michael Nyvotney made his way to the Pittsburgh PD.   
  
Because He was a good person, and Justin Taylor was not.  
  
Part Three: Voice   
  
//How does it feel?// the voice inside his head asked. The same daunting voice he had spent so many years trying to block. The voice that giggled with sadistic pleasure every time he fucked up his life. Just because it had given him warning against it, doesn’t mean that he should listen to it.  
  
// How does it feel , knowing you fucked a rapist?//  
  
Yes, that’s right, Brian Fucking Kinney’s very own Disney animated Jiminy Cricket.   
  
His own conscious taking the time out of its very busy life to tear him up inside for doing another stupid impulsive thing like picking someone up in the condom aisle of Walgreen’s.   
  
// Brian Brian his our man!   
If he can’t fuck you no one can!//  
  
// Brian Kinney’s kinda loose  
Given him a chance  
He’ll cook your goose///  
  
//Bend you over  
Like a straw  
Then to your knees  
You will fall//  
  
“ That one didn’t even rhyme,” Brian moaned to himself.  
  
// Shut up. You fucked a rapist.//  
He fucked a rapist. There it was. This should terrify him, chill him to the bone, make him… he didn’t know he felt he should feel something besides perfectly…content? Was he feeling content?   
  
It had been an amazing lay, filled with this primal drive that Brian had never sensed in anyone else. Justin could fuck and suck and rim and kiss… Oh fuck. Justin was good, very good. And yes, Brian admitted silently to himself a little violent when it came to meeting his needs. He could recall all that had happened in that bed with perfect detail, down to the bite mark on his hip.  
  
He remembered that after he’d convinced Justin to stay it didn’t take long for the blonde to climb his way on top. He rode Brian with his sweet moans echoing into his ears. Brian had gripped Justin’s hips as he came and once again felt the wetness of Justin’s cum all over his torso.   
  
Justin laid Brian down with a hard push to the bed. Brian didn’t really mind that, he assumed Justin liked it rough the second he’d started fucking himself on his three fingers without any lube. The blonde began to suck hard on Brian’s chest and torso tasting himself on Brian’s skin, apparently an aphrodisiac as Brian could once again feel Justin’s hard cock against him. Justin licked and sucked down to his nipples. He started biting at brain’s flesh in a ravenous hunger. When he got to the hips Justin looked up at Brian.   
  
“ hmm. I fucking love hip bones…” he licked it then bit down with a little too much force then he had planned to. Brian arched up in pain, he could feel the vessels underneath his skin flood with blood. At the sound of his cry Justin had jumped up in fear, “ I’m s-s-sorry. I’ll go-”  
  
“ Stay. Make it better.”  
  
For a second Justin’s blue eyes clouded with fear sat Brian’s request, but Brian ran a hand through his golden hair and smiling pushed him back down. “ Keep going.”  
  
So Justin had, and for the rest of the night and early morning, he let Brian set the pace and be in control without much hesitation. When Brian flipped him over and began to eat him out, Justin came effortlessly. When Brian fucked him in the shower until he almost passed out and the blonde wanted more… And later, when he dried Justin off and laid him down in the fresh blue silk sheets. His heavenly eyes blinking hard at Brian as he fell to sleep and as Brian watched him…  
  
// Careful Bri-Bri. Don’t want to sound to lesbianic or too hetro, do we?//  
  
“ Shut up.” Brian crawled out of his bed feeling like shit that Monday morning and promptly called Cynthia with instructions to cover for him. Which she did with only minimal sarcasm when she heard the heaviness in his voice.   
  
But God… now this. Justin was a fucking rapist, but he couldn’t be, could he? He said it was addicted. Brian supposed it was possible considering that Theodore had been addicted to porn awhile back. Could that be the answer to something so out of character? Granted Brian didn’t really know the blonde, and now that the family knew what happened he wasn’t entirely sure they’d want to continue the association.   
  
// Too bad. For a moment you were actually happy.//  
  
‘ Shut up.’  
  
// Oh no, Brian. We’re going to talk about this particular development… You were not content. You were fucking happy. You ate fries for fuck sake. You drank a goddamn vanilla milkshake!//  
  
‘strawberry.’  
  
// What the fuck ever. You were happy. For a whole day you were actually happy. When was the last time you were really happy?//  
  
‘ The day Gus was born.’  
  
// A person can’t live on so little. His not even a fucking rapist . Not really-//  
  
‘ I’m sorry I was under the impression that when you screwed someone against their will it was considered rape.’  
  
// Listen to yourself, listen to me. How many times have you fucked up your life? How many times did you do something without thinking?//  
  
‘ Is that a trick question?’  
  
// No. And don’t give me the whole no regret bull because its shit. The only reason why you don’t feel regret is because you refuse to listen to me! Except when your hung over!//  
  
Ok, so the psychotic conscious, was technically psychotic. Quite frankly half the time it only ebbed fear into Brian that he was going insane. But this was his conscious so it had to be a little crazy to hold in all of Brian’s regrets that he never admitted too. And yeah, maybe it was little fed up with being ignored, but it WAS Brian’s conscious after all and if Brian didn’t like being ignored well then it very damn well didn’t like it either.  
  
Brian made his way to the shower, hoping that a nice long, slow morning jerk off to Brad Pitt would shut the goddamn voice in is head up. However, the voice simply retaliated by replacing thoughts of Brad Pitt with images of Justin Taylor’s naked body being covered by his own.  
  
Part Four: Early morning arguments  
  
“ What are you doing today?” Mel asked Lindsey over coffee that morning in their kitchen as she fed their three year old son.  
  
“ I’ve got to deposit Brian’s check into our account. Pick up the laundry we sent out . Call the dentist for a check up…”; she hesitated before looking at her wife. “ … and I thought I’d check in on Justin.”  
  
“ No-”  
  
“ His been wanting to met Gus and-”  
  
“ There is no fucking way our child is going to visit a goddamn rapist! “  
  
“ His not a rapist,” Linds tried to keep her voice calm in defense of her friend. “ He wasn’t thin-”  
  
“ Isn’t’ that what they all fucking say?! ‘ I wasn’t thinking right? I’m sick!’ Its all a bunch of bullshit excuses!” Gus’ cries rang out in agony form his mother’s harsh words.   
  
“ he was in pain !”  
  
“ And he caused more pain then that!”  
  
“ he wasn’t in control! You heard what Daphne said!”  
  
“ yeah, but I bet you she’s in love with him, why the fuck else would she defend such a rotten bastard-”  
  
“ Mel, please. Gus is crying, “ Lindsey lifted their son out of his high chair and held him to her. Mel reigned in her feelings silently and more composed she ventured on.  
  
“ Lindsey, I know his your friend, and his an artist, so his got that going for him too. But I’m afraid that your not seeing this was addicted. And not addicted to anything like meth or cocaine or speed or whatever else. He was addicted to a basic human desire that we all have, and he couldn’t keep it under control-”  
  
“ What and not getting wood for two years is no control?”  
  
“ No, because the same day he came into Pittsburgh he ended up at Brian’s place. That shows no control.”  
  
“ Well, maybe. But we all have our slip ups. Yes, he had sex with Brian but all his done in that time is paint and get really dunk and high. Before he would of given in to all of his desires and-”  
  
“ I’m not saying his a bad person or anything Lindsey, I can’t stop you from seeing him.. But I’m begging you to at least not bring Gus to him. Please. “After silent consideration the blonde woman nodded her head. “ Thank you. Just till we’re sure his ok, then I promise he can met Gus. I promise.”  
  
“ ok.”  
  
Part Five: Reacting to the Reaction  
  
Christopher Hobbs smiled as the small dark haired fag walked out the door. Justin Taylor was in town it seemed. He’d fucked up bad, it seemed. He might fuck up again, it seemed. And Christopher Hobbs knowing the Taylor history, knew he would fuck up again.   
  
With Stockwell gaining support for Mayor, with the senate debating on Prop 14, Christopher Hobbs could feel the twisted giddiness growing in the pit o f his stomach because Justin Taylor was in town and Justin Taylor loved trouble and Chris Hobbs was trouble.   



	5. Chapter 5

/N this is Jennifer’s suicide note, believe me there’s a reason why I’m adding it now instead of later on when her death actually comes into question.   
  
Chapter 4: Need  
  
My Miracle,  
  
Do you remember why I call you that?  
  
Its been so long since you asked for that story.  
  
Of course you don’t ask for that story anymore. You don’t ask for any stories anymore. Sometimes I wish you would, that we could go back in time to when you were still my little boy, who’d climb up into my lap and ask for a story. You use to look up at me with those beautiful blue eyes and say “ Tell me a story Mommy, a happy one. I only like happy ones.”  
  
Do you remember that?   
  
I made up all the happy stories I could for you Justin because I couldn’t think of a single happy one that happened to me until the day I had my miracle and horror come true. My whole life was just a very long and very sad story until I held you and your sister in my arms . Even after…  
  
I know your all grown up now, but I want to tell you the story of my miracle, you, and my horror one last time. And not the one I told you when you asked for a happy story, but the real one.  
  
Baby, I did not grow up poor or mistreated or abused, but I did grow up caged. Since I was a little girl I always did what was expected of me and I did it well with very little fuss or complaint. So when Craig Taylor came to Pennsylvania from Florida and set his eye on me, I let him have it.   
  
I remember every girl in high school wanted him, but he’d set his eyes on the pretty blonde cheerleader, who hated cheerleading, with blue eyes and big tits. And that was me. I didn’t like him. I didn’t find him funny or smart or attractive even. All I ever wanted was some hot young dark haired man with hazel eyes to come and whisk me away not some stupid blonde, pudgy jock with half a brain. Btu I let him have me, because he said he wanted me.   
  
My parents loved Craig. They thought he was perfect, and I wanted to keep them happy. So use to my cage I was that I hid the bruises he left on me from ‘ fooling around’, at least that’s what he called it. I’d never done anything with a boy before so how was I suppose to know the difference, its not like any of my other WASP girlfriends were doing it too. To scandalous, they said, waiting for marriage they said.  
  
I ended up pregnant my second year of college. Craig made me get rid of it.  
  
We married after college. I was always faithful, always the poised and delicate wife. He strayed, a lot. He hit me a lot too.   
  
Then I got pregnant with you are third year of marriage, and he stopped. Baby it wasn’t that I never thought I could have you, it was that Craig stopped hitting me for 9 months and 8 whole days. And after you were born, he didn’t hit me either. He called more often to see how I was holding up, how his son was doing.. . You made it all go away.   
  
Do you remember your first birthday?  
  
Probably not.  
Craig had invited all his brothers and family members from Florida to come see you for your big day. Everything was going fine until I broke the punch bowel. I swear it was an accident. I swear. Only he didn’t hear me. He hit me in front of all of them and no one did a goddamn thing, except you. You were a baby and all you could do was cry.   
  
I remember looking up at my mother for help from the floor and she just looked right past me. I wasn’t even there to her, somehow I’d disappeared when Craig hit me and the only one who could see my bloodied lip was my one year old son.   
  
I want you to know, I still considered you my miracle, even after he started beating me again. Because whenever it was just me and you in my arms, I felt so at peace with everything. Craig could beat the shit out of me all he wanted, because you made me strong every time you smiled that sunshine smile of yours.   
  
You kept me strong for 9 years baby. Nine years until I was pregnant with your sister.  
  
He’d never laid a hand on you remember?  
  
Remember when you asked me why? Remember how I just couldn’t answer?  
  
That’s when I found my Horror. He hit you, and I knew he would keep hitting you until you were either exactly like me, stuck in his cage or until him , or you .. You were so small for your age. Smart and quick, but god you were so small. I got scared, for you for me, and for molly.  
  
I don’t miss Craig. I never loved him. And I stopped believing God years ago, despite the fact I still brought you to church in your little blue suite. How could there be a God when he’d let an angel like you get hurt?  
  
I did what I needed to Miracle Boy. Six months along, I let him do that to you for six months and I’m so sorry for that. But I fixed it in the end didn’t I? Craig didn’t die in a car accident. I was six months along and got down on the 

ground and cut the brake wire.   
  
Yes, I killed Craig Taylor. I can confess that now. Am I sorry? Sometimes. More sorry that I didn’t do it sooner.   
  
I want you to know I don’t consider it a mistake, you or your sister. The last eleven years of my life with my ’ demon spawn’ , as your grandma likes to call you, have been the best of my life. I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Because I needed those last eleven years to feel even remotely alive.   
  
But baby, I put myself in another cage. I let your sister and you do the living for me, and that’s not fair to either of you, or to me. Your going to NY now to be a big success just like I always knew you would. You are a bright young man with a world of talent in you and you have two gorgeous sisters, yes I mean Daphne too, to help you.   
  
I know I can leave this world with Molly in your care because you will never cage her or berate her. You will always let her live as freely as I wanted the both of you too. Free from expectations, free of Craig, and now free from me.  
  
Please don’t be angry with me.   
  
Its something I need to do for you.   
  
Love,

mom


End file.
